Retreat, rejuvenate and reconnecting with my wild and pagan soul.

Do you ever want to just stop the world and take a time out? Retreat into solitude and isolation. Take time to just re-align with what is real in a world of unreal demands and expectations. Escape, just for a moment the horrors of the news cycle and the demands of 21st-century life? I know I did. Actually, I know I kind of needed to take that short retreat to halt a sense of decline, to cure an increasing inability to concentrate and to re-find my enthusiasm for things that matter. I was feeling tired and burnt out, more than a bit adrift on the ocean of life. In the last 12 months, I have also made the terrible mistake of neglecting the things that keep me going, the things that keep me mentally and physically healthy. Exercise and camping have been neglected. On those occasions we did manage to take short camping trips everything felt rushed and intense, not chill and relaxing the way it should be. There has been no real stopping and re-charging. I realise I am someone who desperately needs solitude and time in close connection to the natural world and when I don’t take that time my ability to function is negatively impacted. So in recent weeks, I came to the realisation I desperately needed to take a time out. The hard thing was explaining to G I needed some time alone, not just another weekend of rushed camping but some real solitude with no pressure to be anywhere or do anything. No people. No screens to tempt my attention, no demands on my time and attention, no family or animals to worry about, at least for a short time.

It seemed indulgent to suggest I just needed to take timeout for what really seemed quite trivial but I was aware that my ability to function effectively was impacted by my inability to just take a real break and step away from things, let my mind slow and recharge for the next challenge. So I started to research retreats and how to take a solo, self-organised or self-directed retreat. Then I started to scan about for a suitable location for my self-imposed hideout, (I found somewhere absolutely perfect, post to come).

Turns out there is a lot of info available on the internet for anyone looking to create a solo, self-directed retreat. You can create a retreat at home. You might just carve out a few hours or a day or like me you might be looking to carve out a couple of days. There were pages advising on how to conduct a low-cost at-home retreat but there was also a lot of advice suggesting that finding somewhere away from your normal stomping ground can be beneficial if you can afford to do so. I kind of wanted to be somewhere that had no reminders of my everyday life. I could have found a camping spot but I kind of wanted to be fairly comfortable and do something a bit different. It needed to be isolated, and connected to nature and I also wanted to be relatively close to home, with no drama with travelling to a location. I found pages suggesting booking a motel room for a day or so, or an Airbnb. I have to confess I can think of few things as depressing as a motel room on your own, so that was not something I would even consider. The idea of an Airbnb or an isolated cabin of some sort now was something I could work with.

Next, I realised I needed to find a way to guide my time and direct my focus. It was coming to the end of the first trimester of the academic year when I started thinking about this and what I needed to do. I looked at journaling prompts and activities that were designed to help you relax and find your purpose, lots of self-care advice on mindfulness and meditation. There is quite a bit of guidance based on religious-style retreats but that is very definitely not my thing. I am a spiritual being but not a religious one and believe me there is a difference. My spirituality finds expression in the awe and wonder of the natural world not the inside of any church or any organised religion, although I can certainly see the attraction of the contemplative life.

When I found my location and was looking for time to make a booking I realised the booking availability coincided with Samhain here in the southern hemisphere, so more by accident than anything else the pagan became a defining theme of my retreat. Realigning with nature and her cycles was exactly what I needed. Tapping into the wheel of the year celebration that is Samhain became a perfect tool around which to build my retreat. I knew I would build a Samhain altar as an activity. In recent years I have discovered how useful oracle and tarot cards are as journaling prompts, helping you tap into your deeper consciousness, tap into things that are normally not quite visible, so great tools for self-discovery and knowledge. I have not been an outwardly practising pagan but I have long been aware of my connection to the natural world and her cycles. I have a wild and pagan soul and one thing I have realised as part of the retreat is that denying that authenticity is a source of great unhappiness for me. My retreat very quickly became an intrinsically pagan, nature-themed one. For me, connecting to nature is also intrinsically about creative connection and inspiration. I had been feeling particularly empty and barren on the creative front of late, so it also helped me see how to refill that well of inspiration.

What worked well for me is not going to necessarily work for everyone but it turned out to be the perfect structure around which to build my few days of reflection. Building a Samhain altar, mindfully walking in my environment, talking to the natural world and paying gratitude and respect as I went, collecting the odd fallen leaf, seed or feather for the altar. Restricting my diet to simple healthy foods, some of which I had grown myself, (I made a harvest pumpkin soup from our garden for the first night). And using the oracle cards to guide some of my reflections. I also decided to make a spell jar to re-ignite my creativity and connection to nature, something I have never done before but something that proved to be a remarkably focused, mindful and powerful activity.

I should say I was not totally alone for all of my time, G and I really wanted to spend some time sharing the experience and space so he would spend the nights with me at the cabin but would go back into town during the day which also let him take care of the cats, making sure our resident geriatric cat Hobbit got his meds and all the attention he needed. Again it was Samhain that kind of decided we would do that. It is after all a festival that recognises ancestors and those that have gone before us and we also realised it was roughly around this time last year that G’s dad passed. So it kind of became a time to reflect on and pay respect to our deceased fathers and in that sense, it was a very shared experience. I knew the altar would contain photos of our fathers. In the week leading up to my retreat, I realised just how few photos I had of my Dad. He died when I was about 10 and while there were photos at my mother’s house with her passing I lost everything that was contained in that house. I found myself deeply regretting not fighting harder for some of those personal things. I did find a very old photo to use but I also realised I had something else to represent my Dad.

In the past I have sometimes collected tiny jars of sand or soil from places I visit, does that sound weird? I never collect much and never from a protected area like a national park. These days if I collect soil or sand I speak to the earth paying respect and asking permission, (the idea of hounourable harvest is something I have internalised since reading Robin Wall Kimmerer’s brilliant book Braiding Sweetgrass). I try to tread softly and respectfully but I realise that even my little collection is a violation but I don’t regret having these tiny jars. They sit on my desk as reminders of places I love. Two jars I have are from adjacent locations that I know meant a great deal to my Father, a beach and fishing location that he loved and formed a large part of my childhood. When we can, we still visit these places but it has been over a year since I last visited. I realise it is these places that refill my own well of inspiration and not making time to go camping in such places is part of the reason I have felt so burnt out and empty of late.

So on my Samhain altar, I sat my old black and white snap of my Dad and me as a baby, between the tiny jar of sand from Woodgate Beach on one side and the tiny jar from Theodolite Creek on the other. I think part of the reason I had those jars in the first place was because of the importance of those locations to my father.

In terms of the rest of my Samhain altar, I used things I already had or gathered from my environment. My altar is a wooden tray and I used some dried fruits and leaves and seed pods to decorate, I had a small Día de los Muertos skull that I added to the altar and a small amethyst crystal, both objects that had been gifted to me. I have huge respect for the festival of Día de los Muertos but I realise using its symbolism is a potential cultural appropriation, something I do not intend. I only used it here because it did speak to me in a profound and genuine way and my respect for the symbolism and the Mexican culture that produced it is humble and genuine. I had some calendula petals that I use in homemade bath stuff so in honour of Día de los Muertos and their rich symbolism I also sprinkled some of those on my altar.

I had a small brass bowl I bought from an op shop so added that to the altar as well and simply placed fresh rainwater in it. I also added a couple of candles and after spending some time sitting with my oracle cards I selected cards that seemed especially relevant to the altar and my retreat and placed them with the other objects. The whole activity of creating the altar was simple and mindful, forcing my whirring brain to slow down and focus on simple, meaningful things. Things like the cycle of life and the seasons, the idea of harvest and gratitude for what the Earth gives to sustain us and the obligation we have to the Earth in return. I realised that this time of year, the changing of the seasons to the colder darker months is especially important to me, all the rich symbolism associated with this time seems to speak to me in a multitude of ways. I could not have picked a more perfect time for me to take a retreat.

The next day I also set about creating my spell jar. I already had items from my kitchen that I knew had an association with what I was seeking which was creativity and an inspired connection to the natural world. In the week before my retreat, I made a point of collecting fallen leaves from trees like eucalypt or gumbi gumbi in my environment. Then on the day, I took myself on a solitary, slow and mindful walk, collecting extra leaves and gumnut pods, a found pigeon feather and importantly a tiny amount of soil. One thing I did notice a lot on my walk was the surprising number of spiders I was encountering, including a few tiny jewel spiders. Spiders seem to have an association with creativity and to be honest I was surprised at how many I saw, not sure if I was just noticing them more or the universe really was sending me a message, either way, their presence felt like a blessing.

My spell jar activity in no way follows set instructions or codes of Wicca or witchcraft, it was very much simple, instinctive and designed to help me reflect and connect, which it absolutely succeeded in doing. On my return to the cabin, I sat and wrote words associated with my desires on the leaves and then constructed my jar. The whole process helped me slow down and be mindful in my actions and thoughts, it was very much exactly what I needed. I needed to reconnect to nature. I needed to refill the well of my own inspiration and I needed to find peace and discipline to face future challenges, small or great.

My self-imposed retreat ran for three nights and I spent my time in mindful activities like walking and journaling. I took a heap of art supplies with me and some books but really most of the time I spent in quiet thought. On reflection, my retreat was a huge success, something I can highly recommend. I suspect many of us would benefit from taking such a retreat once or twice a year. Slowing down, and paying proper attention to the world and what really matters is something that is not always easy to do in our hectic and demanding lives. I am so glad I did it, I very definitely needed to take that time and I am surprised by what it taught me, it certainly left me feeling calmer and more in tune. I realise that by letting that inner hedgewitch out to play I tapped into aspects of myself I was not being really true to and I really need to be true to that otherwise hidden authentic self. I think my inner hedgewitch is here to stay. The Samhain altar moved home with me at the end of the retreat and is now a nature altar in the living room. To continue the connection to the natural world and her cycles the wheel of the year will continue to be observed and soon I will create a Yule altar to honour the next cycle. It feels authentic and empowering and is therefore here to stay. Sometimes I think we all need to take some time to reflect, re-set and re-charge and taking time to reconnect to nature can only ever be good for us.